Wednesday, June 15, 2011

An open letter to a creep

Dear Sir:

Perhaps you meant to be clever and insouciant, to show me your lighthearted fun side, by pulling up next to me in your truck and beginning our acquaintance with a proposal of marriage. And while I do not have much experience in the proposing-to of ladies myself, I would have thought that a response of "No, thank you" and a return to cleaning up after the dog would have been an adequate damper on any passion.

But perhaps you have a fetish for redheaded ladies carrying bags of canine excrement, because you continued your pursuit by driving after me, and suggesting that, in lieu of marriage, I might like to engage in a variety of carnal pursuits with you. As I was not interested in any of those activities, I declined to reply.

Confident of your own charisma and charm, you continued to pursue my small dog and myself in your vehicle, shouting speculation about my sexual preferences, enthusiasms, and proclivities. I am not quite sure why you were so hostile to my suggestion that I might call the authorities and describe to them your so-charming behavior, but I remain grateful that the presence of a phone in my pocket ended our far too lengthy conversation.

I devoutly hope never to see you again, 



  1. An answer to an open letter,

    "Damn, I may have lost her!

    I'll start considering switching my tactics to something rather less confusing. Maybe you failed to interpret my not-so-subtle intentions of settling down together and live happily forever after, a-la-Disney, after only the briefest of courtships.

    Or maybe not."

    - Even being a man, I do hate those creeps. On behalf of our sex, I do apologize for the bitter moment.

  2. Ugh. I hate those dudes. I want to punch them, but of course I can't reach them in their cars, which is part of the point. It's an exercise of power.

  3. Wait, you had a bag of dog poo in your hand and didn't use it?

  4. Andy - don't think I didn't seriously consider it.

  5. Next time, carry your sword with you!

    Arg, in all honesty, I loathe it when men behave like that. It is ridiculous. First of all, it's insanity. I cannot imagine that method of address working on anyone with two working brain cells to her name. Second, it is obnoxious. It makes me very angry. And snarky. I'm with Andy -- next time, throw the dog poop!

    *shakes head*

  6. My gut reaction to a proposal of marriage from a complete stranger would be something of the lines of me bursting into tears, followed by gushing "Oh thank you God! I thought no-one would ever ask! Should we set a date? What's your mother's number? I want to call her and start asking about place-settings. I'm a fan of beige. And how are you with kids? I have a couple, but I'm sure they'll just love you! Oh, who thought that a simple trip down to the STD clinic could end in such connubial bliss!"

  7. Julia - you are awesome. I love this.